12 days of Homonormative Christmas Cheer

1. Edith Massey.

On the 1st day of Christmas, our Gay Lord brings to thee Edith Massey round the holiday tree. There really isn’t anything better to warm the cockles of the heart with a searing fire.

 

2. A John Waters Christmas compilation.

Mid-century Christmas pop is arguably the high water mark of novelty Christmas recordings: the manic "Jingle Bells" by Babs (MILK performed this at Legendary Children's UNHOLY NIGHT last season), Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby,” Phil Spector’s compilation with the Ronettes’ rendition of "Sleigh Ride," leather-clad Elvis’s “Blue Christmas.” Leave it to John Waters to curate only the weirdest rarities of this era. Especially kooky are “Santa Claus is a Black Man” and “Happy Birthday Jesus,” both performed by little kids.

 

3. Slink - “Pink Christmas.”

Since then, we’ve only had two real hits: Mariah with the greatest Christmas song of all time and Wham's "Last Christmas," with George Michael pretending he's straight in some skislope jilted romance (which, okay, we’ll take it). But that’s not all there is!

Our 3rd day reminisces on the 80s and 90s via power trio Seth Bogart (Hunx and His Punx), Cody Critcheloe (Ssion) and Samantha Urbani (Friends). Slink’s confection-infectious “Pink Christmas” asks “Santa, let your love snow down on me.” All their BFFs partied down for the saturated, VHS-damaged music video, including LA lady Angelyne, Peaches dressed as a Whoopie Cushion, and Geneva Jacuzzi as DJ Santa. 

 

4. Pornaments.

Enough said.

 

5. Tree Elves.

It’s all right and natural that your sugar plum radical faeries have an extra helping of magic mushrooms to help you explore your inner trauma over how pagan holidays have been raped by Christian ideologies. But if you are into the normie tree tradition, support King of Pops’ Tree Elves project.

“People order live Christmas trees online, we get the trees from NC, bring them here, then deliver them to the house dressed up as elves (the kids LIVE for it). After the holidays, we schedule a time to pick up the trees and then we recycle them” reports Roger Krick, the cute Tree Elf known as Sprinkles (above left).

 

6. Mary’s XXX-Mas on Dec 19th.

However, those same radical faeries will be frolicking around in next to nothing with trays of jello shots for the Mary’s XXX-Mas party on Saturday, December 19th. DJ favorites Sam Rothstein and Ree de la Vega will be kicking out the jams and there will be a photobooth with Dirty St. Nick himself for the occasion.

 

7. Pee Wee’s Christmas Special.

Pee Wee was my favorite repressed homosexual when I was a wee bit. Grace Jones, KD Lang, and Cher are all special guests. Get in touch with your inner 80s kid again.

 

8. Rupaul’s Christmas Ball.

Ru’s seasonal (and all-time) message is “learn how to love yourself, cuz if you don’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else.” Followed by spoofs of workout videos, Valley of the Dolls, home shopping networks, perfume ads, and A Christmas Carol (of course), this TV special is a touch 90s club kid and a blast from the past thru and thru.

Special guests include Elton John, Boy George, Fred Schneider of the B-52s, and La Toya Jackson, with the odd and endearing random cameo of Nirvana.

 

9. Bjork Christmas TV dissection.

 Because we here at Wussy are such weird “artfag elitists,” we are required by a clause in our constitution to include a Bjork video in this here listicle.  “Hello, it is Christmas time, and I am sitting here by my TV.” (Really, on top of it.) Not content, she wants to take it apart and see how it “puts [us] in all those weird situations.”

We take a journey through little cities and wires, and then Bjork drops the Derridian bombshell (via an unnamed Icelandic poet) that we’re really only watching millions of tiny frames within a frame, lying to our brains, allowing us to process nothing. Scary stuff! She assures us at the end, though, telling us to ignore the Icelandic poets, as they’re really no better than internet commenters.

As a bonus, baby Bjork reading the nativity story at her children’s school in Iceland is too adorable.

 

10. Fashion Santa.


On the 10th day, this guy. Looks like GQ fucked up a December profile of Michael Fassbender.

 

11. Ho Ho Homo

Well, maybe not. Personally, no. But “dyke the halls” with your queer consumerism for the millionth Ugly Sweater party you go to if you must.

 

12. Christmas Queens on iTunes.

MORE RU. On the 12th day, our true love RuPaul corrals her girls for some cute and cunty caroling. More than twelve Drag Race contestants Christmas coo for the iTunes-released compilation of holiday hahas. (Of course our ATL sex kitten Violet would take “Twas the Night Before Christmas” to the whorehouse!) Check out some of your favorite Ru queens serving up some seriously sultry, snowy, shady, sassy songs.

 

 

And because the team here at Wussy is all about giving, here’s a BONUS thirteenth day:


13. Philly Boy Roy reads “Twas the Night before Christmas” (Philly style) with Kurt Vile and Tom Scharpling on The Best Show on WMFU.

Consider this a pre-emptive shot fired at all you Serial sycophants. The best radio show (now full-time podcast), The Best Show on WMFU brought back Philly Boy Roy, longtime fictional call-in, to share his rendition of “TWAS the Night before Christmas.” You don’t need to understand the fifteen-plus years of in-jokes on the show to enjoy this Christmas miracle.

Roy and Kurt bond/feud over Philly culture, Tom and Roy feud/feud over everything else. Some highlights: Roy’s wristwatch plays “Bang the Drum” by Todd Rundgren; Roy has an idea for a revamped Tetris “with new shapes”; “let’s get down to grass tax”; the Torture Network (featuring “wall-to-wall beatings”); Roy’s prescription for the ideal amount of fights to get in per day; Rocky’s real name reveal in Rocky II; and Roy’s idea for a double-album that sounds an awful lot like Zen Arcade.