Furious 7: or “Furious Party Bottom”

Oh My Fucking God Hunty!

I just saw this new gang bang flick called Furious 7. These Furious action movies are more epic than goddamnStar Wars or Bait Bus. You know I love that BAIT BUS! Gurl, this movie is about seven horny men driving around in fast cars and blowing shit up, and blowing each other. There were seven hot ass men to pick from in this film. So I was a nervous goddamn wreck trying to choose one. I was panting and breathing so hard I decided to pick all seven. Bitch, I believe in equality! The bible says “Even Steven” or “Steve before Eve” or “Forget Eve, Blow Adam and Steve” or some shit like that. At one point, the Rock busted out of his arm cast, and bitch, I literally almost pissed in my popcorn. I just kept thinking, that’s what it looks like when his other ROCK busts out of his pants. Gurl, they were giving you muscles and tight ass realness all the way through this shit.

What was the movie about? Shittttttttttt, I have no fuckin’ idea. I just kept thinking, “how can I get all seven of these men to run a train and bukkake on me for my birthday?” Oh No Hunty! More Furious! I also can’t believe they finally showed Paul Walker’s penis. God rest his soul, body, eyes, chest, ass, and penis. Honey, listen; it’s like my mother always says, “It’s twice as sad when hot people die.” Debbie Hooves speaks the truth. There was also a tribute to Paul Walker and all the men in the theater were screaming and crying.  I haven’t seen this many people crying since the ending of Titanic, but it was all white girls then. I’ll never let go Jack! That bitch did. Meanwhile, this little pony’s ass was consoling all the hot men in that theater. Yes, bitch, I was trying to get in all their pants. Shit, don’t get it twisted, guys will get hard no matter how sad they are. Their families could have just been murdered and they can still get up. Sometimes you grieve up in that ass. I love an emotional mannnnnn. Paul Walker would have wanted me to get laid for him. Also, I think there may have been some women in this movie too, but I think they died.

I give this movie 3 blowjobs out of 4. It’s hot, sexy, and wet. They never slow down and you get pounded for hours. Oh no hunty!!!!!

PS. They may have not have actually shown Paul’s dick. I may have dreamed it.

Hot guys in the movie that you may want to jerk off to during or after you see it:

Here’s a list of the real Furious 7!

  • Paul Walker ­­­– Honey, those blue eyes will melt hearts, souls, asses, mouths, dicks, faces, and M&Ms. Shoot in my mouth, not in my hand, hunty.

  • The Rock – Gurlllll  I heard he will hit you in the face with his Rock Log. Knock me out bitch! I can take it. It better be rock hard.
  • Vin Diesel – He don’t say much. So he is probably a top. He will just pound you into the floorboard of his car and drink a Corona.
  • Ludacris – I heard he would tell you to “move bitch get out the way” when he pulls out.

Jason Statham – I’ll have one order of fish and chips and one uncut co…. coke.

  • Lucas Black – This country bitch is back. Country boys get nasty in the back seats and so does this little pony. Country boys ain’t dumb, hunty, they are just hung and will get you pregnant.

Coming soon my ass will be reviewing….

Mad Max: Fury Road: or “Sparke Hooves: Road Head”

Avengers 2: or “Hulk: That’s One Big Green Dick Hunty”

For more about Sparkle Hooves, please visit his Facebook.
Sparkle Hooves was created by Eddie Ray and animator, Tori Cook.