Totino's clearly has a problem with alternative sexuality: it's time for Ore-Ida Bagel Bites to take a stand for progress

Folx, it’s been a tough week. Donald Trump was confirmed as president by the electoral college, Aleppo has fallen, and tensions run high after the assassination of a Russian diplomat. I’m sure you all remember how pure we were a week ago–how much hope our community felt as we rallied around an important cause: getting Totino’s to sponsor a queer millennial fetish party with all the pizza rolls we, as a community, could eat. In these dark times, we felt that there was a glimmer of hope on the horizon. Our political institutions may have let us down, but perhaps we could convince our commercial ones to step up and protect the rights of those of us living on the fringes.

Oh, how wrong we were.

Totino’s didn’t respond to our petition. Totino’s nary batted an eye. The last we had heard from the fascists at Totino’s was this non-committal response:


Many of us felt that the pizza roll was the perfect embodiment of the queer identity at this important juncture in history:
 

 

But Totino’s–much like our parents or Hillary Clinton–abandoned us in our time of need, leading to a greater despair felt by the LGBTQIAA+BDSM community. Totino’s was happy to take our queer money, but when we needed sustenance, they ignored our calls. Had we placed our hopes in the wrong hero? The clear answer was yes.

And so, we, the PizzaXQueer community would like to admit how wrong we were and ask for Ore-Ida Bagel Bites to step up to the plate and become the official snack food of genderqueer fetish play. Bagel Bites, you are the perfect match for us for a number of reasons.

 

  1. The bagel, itself, represents the human butthole. As gender breaks down and penises and vaginas mean less and less in the world of identity politics, it is important to remember that we are ALL humans and we ALL have buttholes.

  2. The bagel is an important symbol to the Jewish community, another group of people who have historically been oppressed. We hope that by adopting the Bagel Bite as the official snack of our people, we can achieve solidarity with a group of survivors from which we could learn quite a bit and with whom an allyship could prove beneficial to both sides.

  3. Despite the fact that the bagel is a traditionally Jewish dish, the Bagel Bite represents a queering of these ideals. It is a bagel, yes, but one often topped with cheese and pork (see: cheese and pepperoni Bagel Bites). This renders the Bagel Bite trayfnot satisfying the requirements of Jewish law. By taking a bagel and ignoring kosher laws, Ore-Ida Bagel Bites represent an eschewing of long-held traditions in the name of progress. This philosophy matches that of the leather, BDSM, and queer identities.

  4. Bagel Bites are fucking delicious.

 

And so, Ore-Ida Bagel Bites, hear our call! We need to congregate, we need to create community spaces, and we need to feed our people. Like the manna that Yahweh sent down to the Hebrew people as they fled Egypt, so too do we need a heavenly snack to sustain us as we traverse the desert of a Trump presidency. Now is the time for your support, Ore-Ida Bagel Bites. Remember your own prayer:

Pizza in the mornin’.
Pizza in the evenin’.
Pizza at supper time.
When pizza’s on a bagel,

You can have pizza anytime.

That time is now.

 

Julian Modugno was your average mid-level antagonistic queer happy to just relax until some bullshit went down in his country of origin. Now he fights the good fight by making politics seem even worse at his regular politicomedy free-for-all, Debate ATL.