Merry Christmas From Your New Alt-Right Queer Overlords

 

Good evening, liberal coastal elites and hello from real America. I’m here on behalf of president-for-life-elect Donald J. Trump as part of his outreach program for liberal cucks and the overweight social justice warriors who are in polyamorous relationships with them. For those of you who don’t know who I am, my name is Milo Sloppibottomous.

I’m considered the alt-right’s “3rd most dangerous faggot,” I’m the founder of Power Bottoms for Trump, and I was recently banned from Twitter for leading a social media hate campaign against Wussy Mag, but I appreciate the editors realizing that they are nothing more than regressive leftists and allowing me to speak to this audience of walking trigger warnings. I understand that things are hard. After all, you’re a bunch of cucks. You were born a cuck. You were born in a closet and watched your mother give birth to another child. That’s how much of a cuck you are. But there’s a new administration in town and Barack Nobama, the Cuckmander in Chief is out. I’m here to speak with you about some of the changes you’re going to be seeing in a Trump presidency and, well, the GOP figured I was the ideal person to speak to you as I’m gay and you liberals will only listen to the needs of a minority.

I know a lot of you are wondering “How did a homosexual like myself end up a prominent member of the Trump’s transition team instead of being a worthless liberal who spends all his time posting electoral college petitions to Pantsuit Nation?” Well, ever since I seduced my first youth pastor in junior high, I knew things were going to be difficult for me. The world hasn’t always been the kindest place to gay people and I didn’t think it was fair that as a wealthy, white, cisgendered man, that this one thing would be held against me. I would have to fight and fight I did. Over the next few years, I found out that it didn’t matter how gay I was or how many youth pastors’ lives I ruined, as long as I hid behind a wall of blatant racism, misogyny and self-loathing, I too could have a place in the far-right wing recesses of the dark web. And boy did it work! Just listen to some of the comments my followers posted on my latest piece for Breitbart. “Milo is such a strong voice for the new generation of right wing leaders that I’m sad that god invented AIDS to kill queers.” “If Milo were my son, I would have had a pang of regret about kicking him out onto the street.” And “Milo is the first gay person I haven’t wanted to take out to a field and Matthew Shepard his brains out.”

And so, if a beautiful, white gay man such myself could win over the unwashed masses of middle America, perhaps I can win over you patchouli-wearing socialist Bernie bros, or at the very least, the white ones. I know a lot of you are worried about the changes you might see during a Trump presidency. Are there going to be internment camps? Will gay marriage be reversed? Will abortion become illegal? All I can tell you is “you’ll find out.” Our commander-in-chief Mike Penc---I mean Donald Trump hasn’t even been sworn in yet. But on one divisive issue, I can assure you, we’ve all reached a consensus: The War on Christmas. Unlike a multitude of other wars that are just ramping up, the war on Christmas is over and Christmas won. You can kiss your “Happy Holidays” and menorahs goodbye because it’s time to make like a McDonald’s Christmas cup and spread them cheeks wide open. To paraphrase England’s ugliest lesbian, Paul McCartney, “We’re simply having a mandatory Christmas time.” So gather round this flaming homosexual, children, and let me tell you what Christmas is going to be like under our new administration.

First thing’s first: I know that a lot of you feel like Jesus Christ is the reason for the season but that’s an outdated notion. If you wanted to celebrate a 2000-year-old socialist Jew, then you could just go to Bernie Sanders’s chanukah party. Let’s get one thing straight for a change: Jesus Christ is a loser. Jesus Christ was so lame he had to turn water into wine to give it away for free. Meanwhile, Donald Trump can sell Trump Water at a profit. That’s just good business. What do Jesus’s profits look like? Terrible. The Catholic Church doesn’t even have half the gold toilets that Donald Trump has. Also Jesus was born in a manger? What kind of leader doesn’t have an entire empire of hotels to get a room in? Can you imagine Melania giving birth to Barron while a goat watched? If that’s what she wanted, she could have just stayed in Slovenia. If Melania wanted a goat to watch her give birth, she wouldn't have banned Tiffany Trump from the hospital room. So first executive order, we’re doing away with CHRISTmas and starting a new holiday: Trumpsmas. Ah Trumpsmas. I haven’t felt something roll so beautifully off my tongue since the last time Lindsay Graham shot down the back of my throat in the Senate bathroom.

OK so now that we’ve established that we’re yanking Christmas out of the calendar right at the last minute, let’s talk about how Trumpsmas works. First off, Santa’s going down like an ambassador in Benghazi. Under President Trump, we are going to bring toy manufacturing back from the North Pole and stop giving our toy manufacturing jobs to elves or the Chinese or whatever you want to call them. Also, kids, if you want these toys, you’re going to have to pay for them. If you don’t have the money, ask your parents for a small loan of a million dollars. If that doesn’t work, go ask your preacher why God wants you to be poor. This sort of big-government, handout for the poor is hurting our economy. The only thing Santa got right is the whole “Christians only” policy. The only Father I want sliding down my chimney on a cold december evening is Daddy Trump. And the only thing he’s giving out is tax breaks for the wealthy, land easements to oil companies, and good old fashioned hepatitis B.

Furthermore, the ending of Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol will be changed so that the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future come around and realize that Ebenezer Scrooge had it right the whole time. Sure this means Tiny Tim is going to die of an easily treatable disease but if his parents couldn’t have afforded him, they should have just stopped having sex. It’s as simple as that. That’s why Donald and Melania only had one child. Because they’re fiscally responsible. Although Daddy Trump, if you’re looking for somewhere to drop your seed with no risk of pregnancy, my butthole is like Hillary Clinton’s email server and wide open. And unlike Melania’s womb, you don’t have to cum in it for it to grow Barron. If God wanted gay people to have children, then why did he make it so difficult for us to adopt? Think about it, America.

Anyways, so there you have it. The first of many many changes coming your way courtesy of the new and perfect Trump administration. Oh and here’s another one. I know you all are ready for 2016 to be over buuuuut for those of us on Trump’s transition team, this has just been such a delectable year for us so we’re passing an executive order to stop 2016 from ever ending. That’s right. For the rest of your lives, it’s going to be 2016. So to all the wealthy white people reading this, I wish you a Merry Trumpsmas and a Happy This Year Forever.

 

Milo Sloppibottomous built a wall of privilege around his otherness and things are fabulous on this side. He's a fag cis man who loves fascism. Follow him on twitter @sloppibottomous