Pokemon Go! Yessir. Step right up and talk about Pokemon Go. You’re playing, yes? You’re on a team, yes? You’ve caught a bug and a bird and a rat, yes?
That’s all fine! It seems like a really cool and fun game. I hope you enjoy playing it, because you deserve good things.
But, oh, the takes you’ll run into on the internet. In the unceasing Slate-ification of everything that happens ever, Pokemon Go has attracted some extremely bad and obvious takes, and social media has been plastered with them.
My favorite? Pokemon Go is, like, revolutionary for depressed persons, because it incentivizes “exercise.” Does “walking aimlessly around your neighborhood” meet the bare minimum threshold for “exercise”? I suppose it does. I’m glad someone came along and finally convinced America’s teens to walk more. I bet they are drinking more water and sleeping better, too.
Or how about the take where the game is teaching the teens history? Hey, there’s a huge ass plaque in the park about the Civil War or something, but I never really noticed it until Pokemon Go put a Weedil on it! Come on. Next you’ll tell me that the game is teaching the teens to be better delivery drivers.
And so, in honor of those hellacious thinkpieces that are more common that Rattatas, here is a list of things you should talk to me about. Or, feel free to try these out on someone else. If that person ends up wanting to talk about Pokemon Go, I suppose that's alright, as long as it's not online or I'm not within earshot.
1. How incredibly fucked up everything is. There’s just so much fodder here. So many different ways and means. Everything is so fucked up.
2. Any stray thought that runs into your head. Like, did you know they straight-up execute people on Hawaii Five-O? It's true. I saw it one episode flipping through the channels. The dude just axed a bad guy in the middle of the woods.
Oh no, I should have clarified we were talking about the reboot. No, I never saw the original. Erik Estrada, right?
3. Carrie Coons is gonna be the lead in season three of Fargo. Ewan McGregor plays some ugly twins. It's about smartphones, or something. Who cares. The most important question when it comes to Fargo is: What's the soundtrack gonna be? Last season’s impossible improvement over the original was a good bit the result of moving away from a score. I volunteer the following:
"(She's So) Selfish" by the Knack - Fits the theme, if not the era. But who wouldn't want a montage featuring TWO McGregors walking through the same suburban mall to this classic (sexist) romp-n-stomp?
"Mr. November" by the National - Perfect for ugly McGregor no. 2, who reportedly is discontent in the shadow of his more successful brother. He could hug a trophy, cry, and then hug a gun. Then shoot someone, Fargo style.
"Fitted Shirt" by Spoon - "I long for the days / they used to say / ma'am and yessir." Another dynamic rocker to drum up the theme of personal disengagement. Am I enamored with the romp-n-stomp? Probably. Fargo works when the soundtrack is moving the characters. Action, kinesticity. . . It's the Fargo way.
6. Summer TV!: The Night Of, Stranger Things
Here’s two horrifying and outstanding series to watch in the dog days of summer. HBO’s The Night Of is suffocatingly real, and really well-written and acted. Anyone who’s spent any time in a jail cell or just waking up from a blackout will feel like they're back there, and that is an awful feeling on both counts. I’d let Bill Camp slip the bracelets on me ever so gently and kindly. I’d also let John Turturro yell at me for minutes on end to not talk to anyone. I agree! That’s part of the reason we have problems. It’s best not to talk to anyone ever.
If you’re looking for something to stream, Stranger Things has pretty much everything you want. Synth-pop, some X-Files for those of you disappointed in the reboot, 80s tech. I’ll admit, I’m a bit wary of where all this synth-pop is leading. It seems like showrunners and directors think there’s nothing synth-pop is inappropriate for, and while they haven’t been egregiously wrong thus far, they’re bound to be sooner than later. Plus, Barb.
7. The trailers for La La Land and Bleed for This
These trailers. Damn. They are almost diametric opposites: Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone are who we thought they were, and look delightful. If your immediate reaction isn’t a dead swoon, then tase yourself and try again. Damien Chazelle knocked it out of the park with his directorial debut Whiplash, and this looks to be a more ambitious but no less stunning follow-up. Could we be in line for the best musical since Chicago? Was Chicago any good?
As for Bleed for This, Miles Turner and Aaron Eckhart reveal themselves to precisely who we did not think they'd be: potentially co-Oscar winners (and certainly nominees). In fact, you probably had trouble spotting Eckhart. I didn’t notice him my first time through. I'm used to him hamming it up, and here he is, ready to sell the shit out of some quiet and subtle scenes. I also was obviously distracted by Peak Miles Turner. This is not the Miles Turner I was promised! I haven't properly prepared myself for this Miles Turner. I haven't prepped my “Young Miles Turner” is Young Robert De Niro or Young Jack Nicholson takes. They're underformed! I can only imagine how the Academy feels. “We have to give an Oscar to the dude from the THIRD Fantastic Four flop? Fuck us.”
These are just some of the things we could talk about! Who knows, you might even come up with something on your end.
Christopher Kaluzienski is assistant editor at Wussy in Atlanta, Georgia. He is very wet, possibly glistening, and extremely sweaty.