A new year signals great change.
Mercury is no longer in retrograde, Cthulhu the Harbinger of Destruction awakes from his slumber, and everyone on earth is experiencing some really bad daddy issues. Like show up to a male strip club shouting loudly “DAD?!” bad.
Don’t worry, WUSSY has looked to the stars to find which daddy matches your astrological sign and will help you through this paternally difficult time. From dead beat dads to dead dads, there’s a daddy out there looking to fulfill your cosmic needs:
March 21 – April 19
Mmmhhmmm mmmmmhmm ((removes leather ball gag))
Strong and assertive, this daddy takes what he wants! His safe word is “student loan forgiveness.”
April 20 – May 20
Once in the running to play Hermione Granger in J.K Rowling’s “Harry Potter” series, this character actor is soaking in sex appeal and chap lips.
May 21 – June 20
STOP TRYING TO BE ZOEY DESCHANEL DAD! GAWD! I WISH OUR PASTOR WAS MY REAL DAD!
June 21 – 22
(An Emotional Rollercoaster)
A literal and metaphorical emotional rollercoaster. (Pulls out measuring ruler) You must be at least this manic depressant to ride daddy.
July 23 – August 22
Soft to the touch and queasy at the thought of dick cheese, this daddy avoids all things gluten, soy, and air. You’ll find him asking before you cum, “Are you sure this is non-gmo?”
August 23 – September 22
God says you must abstain from sex till marriage, but he didn’t say nothing about fucking your daddy! Am I right ladies?!
September 23 – October 22
Back from his “plane crash” on a deserted island, this daddy says all he wants is “food” and “water.” What he really needs is some good ole diiiiicccck!
October 23 – November 21
Aviator prescription eyeglasses, pencil mustache, and chloroform breath, this daddy will want to capture every important moment of your life and a locket of your nasal hair. When you first meet this daddy, you’ll want to ask him, “Haven’t I seen you on Dateline?”
November 22 – December 21
“It’s all about the Journey” says daddies who love the band Journey. This daddy won’t let you stop believing and will make you hold onto ALL of his feelings. Warning: avoid any or all mentions of Garth Brooks!
December 22 – January 19
(Green Screen Bodysuit)
Has played every character in every Michael Bay movie, including a rock in “The Rock.” His dream job is to be weather anchor on Fox 5 News, but he’ll settle for starring in LCD Soundsystem’s next music video.
January 20 – February 18
Writer of the acclaimed series “Sperms of Endearment,” “It Takes a Village to Host a Bukkae,” and the Steve Jobs bio “Steve Rim Jobs.” Pensive and diabetic, this daddy is an open book of taboo desires.
February 19 – March 20
(A Bowl of Spaghetti)
Stevie King is a freelance writer and comedian with a mild obsession for burning down ice cream trucks. They've often been mistaken for Jack Antonoff, Jason Schwartzman, and your mom.