Love is in the air and the CDC does not know how to stop it. Like an Ebola scare, it’s best you stay indoors, bolt your windows shut, and lick your armpit sweat for a clean water source.
As you isolate yourself from this infectious disease, spend your Valentine’s Day contemplating what daddies you’ll hook up with in the post-contagion world. From loveable sacks to sacks of deadly love, WUSSY peers into the husk of flesh that was your heart to match you up with your true love in Daddy Astrology: Valentine’s Day Edition!
March 21 – April 19
Okay, it’s not really Jodie Foster. It’s a man wearing a Jodie Foster wig on a plane shouting, “WHERE’S MY DAUGHTER?!”
April 20 – May 20
Like a dog chasing its tail, you’ll run in circles believing you see your father in the corner of your eye. Your friends will tell you it’s probably nothing and you’re seeing things, but you swear daddy is right around the corner ready to tell you how much he loves your Instagram aesthetic.
May 21 – June 20
(Keep Off the Grass)
She read the sign at the park that said, “Keep off the grass.” And she doesn’t give a fuck. She’s walking on the grass. She’s rubbing her taint on the grass. She’s having a photo-shoot on the grass. She brought a picnic and is laying it out on the grass. She brought a bowl of grapes, a wheel of brie, and a motherfucking box of Kashi Tasty Little Crackers.
June 21 – June 22
You’re a contestant on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” You’re one question away from winning a million dollars, but don’t know the answer. You’ve used two of your lifelines and are left with the option of “phoning a friend.” So you do what any woman in your shoes would do, and call your father that you haven’t spoken to in 20 years. Will your dad help you win a million dollars, or will your 30 second conversation leave you with more questions than answers?
July 23 – August 22
Not to be confused with his famous cousin, the beach ball from Tom Hanks’ “Cast Away.” After deleting Tinder, you’ve grown desperate for company and human interaction. Rather than socializing with people, you’ve repurposed your dildo into your best friend and confidant. Its face is a crude drawing of a smile you painted with the blood of your hymen. Its balls fitted with what use to be a very loose denim jacket worn by your Ken doll. A great listener and unappreciated jokester, Wilson can be quite the dick at times.
August 23 – September 22
A living pepperoni pizza with thin crust and no cheese, this daddy is two large crimson nipples of masculine frailty. Best served on a shag rug made from Himalayan Goat pubes, you can hear this daddy purr real loud if you nibble on what looks like a hip bone. (Whispers) It’s not a hip bone. It’s a nipple.
September 23 – October 22
An original white middle age daddy, recently divorced, huge Reba McEntire fan, has at least three moles that are questionable but aesthetically pleasing, never been to an Olive Garden they didn’t love, and prefers a dip in a hot tub over a pit of quicksand. At current estate value, this daddy is worth three half chewed butterscotches and a pair of broken bifocal lenses.
October 23 – November 21
(Pins Pins Pins)
Jumping on the bandwagon, this daddy covers all of his clothes in the most obscure pins you wish you owned. He’s got Jay Z jaywalking, the secret to happiness (whispers) it’s not good, a Sudoku puzzle no one wants to finish, a keyboard for a computer desktop that’s missing the keys ctrl alt delete, and grandma’s dying words, “Stop poking my liver spots! Oh God this hurts!”
November 22 – December 21
Star of the hit HGTV series, “Home Wrecker.” This daddy makes a living destroying the marriages of HGTV power couples. From Tarek and Christina to Chip and Joanna, no one is safe from this Daddy’s marital renovations.
December 22 – January 19
Where most people discuss their feelings this daddy expresses himself by jumping over building tops. Every broken rib, dislocated shoulder, and bit of brain damage is a work of art in disjointed motion. Where other man may whisper, “I love you.” He’ll shout, “PARKOUR!” as he vaults into your heart.
January 20 – February 18
Former knee surgeon intern, he’s now the best at his job and everyone comes to him when they have a busted knee. His life story was adapted into a successful Shonda Rhimes medical drama called “I Kneed You.”
February 19 – March 20
(A T-Rex In a One-Piece Swimsuit)
I honestly don’t know how I feel about this.
Stevie King is a freelance writer and comedian with a mild obsession for burning down ice cream trucks. They've often been mistaken for Jack Antonoff, Jason Schwartzman, and your mom.