Leather, latex, and cartons of Crisco. These aren’t just things you find at Grandma’s house, but the looks everyone will be lubing up into at Wussy Mag’s Black Hearts Ball: Single Ladies Showdown on Saturday, February 11th at The Heretic.
This party will have everything: Princess Peach riding around in a go-kart shouting “I DON’T NEED A MAN!” speed dating with actual speed, a rock from the set of VH1’s “Rock of Love,” and the rubber nipples from “Batman Forever.” Which ones? All of them! Whether you’re single or REALLY want to wait to end your two-year relationship after your birthday, you’ll want to suck in your broken heart as you squeeze into your best fetish gear for this single ladies’ party.
Like a wig you’ve constructed out of your ex’s pubic hair, leather and latex are the most sensual fabrics to wear. They hug the body, and your genitals even closer. Nothing screams “single and strong” like nipple clamps that are so long you can Double Dutch your one nights stands into a Million Dollar Baby corner of regret. Feeling down and rejected from Ashley Madison? Try a gimp mask that lets you scream all of your suburban mom frustrations and anxieties without anyone hearing you. Want to show off your new breakup body? Suspend yourself from the ceiling in a chastity swing as a line of your exes mistake you for an IKEA fixture. Muzzles, dungeon irons, blindfolds, corsets, your 50 state quarter collection; you name it! Lovers and firemen Photoshopped out of their naked squad calendar will be wearing their black hearts on their latex tight sleeves, and maybe on their nipples if they can find tassels big enough.
Some of you are probably asking, “I heard the word showdown. Should I bring a weapon?” Yes! The weapon of emotional sabotage. Nothing brings a leather singlet look together like psychological warfare and the looming danger of people unfollowing your Pinterest. Try writing up a burn book of the people you hate, then actually set them on fire, Carrie White style. Want to play up your submissive side? Invite the judges from Shark Tank to read you to filth as you frantically pitch an app that’s vaguely against small government. Be it passive aggressive or just telling it how it is, mind games are the accessory every dom and sub will need to bring their look together.
If you’re having trouble finding a sexy fetish look that will win the approval of your therapist, Wussy Mag has got you covered with a list of inspiring looks you can check out: Pamela Anderson guns a blazing in “Barb Wire,” Tura Satana sexy vamp star of “Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill!” Pam Grier the original foxy lady, War Boys aka the problematic white twinks from “Mad Max: Fury Road,” force choke daddy Darth Vader, and Westeros’ favorite dominatrix Septa Unella from HBO’s “Game of Thrones.” I swear, each time that woman shouts “Shame!” I discover a third nipple that needs rubbing.
We can’t wait to see all of you perverted animals out on the dancefloor this Saturday, and as grandma would say, “It’s not a crime being single, but it does makes you look fat.”
Stevie King is a freelance writer and comedian with a mild obsession for burning down ice cream trucks. They've often been mistaken for Jack Antonoff, Jason Schwartzman, and your mom.