A WUSSY Guide to Knowing Your Hole

Every Butthole is unique and different.  Like a snowflake, or a secret Canadian family you visit on holidays. Knowing your butthole is to know your soul. Every wrinkle, questionable mole, and lost object is a tile in the mosaic that is your identity.

You’re probably telling yourself, “That’s crazy, I don’t have a butthole!” Oh, it’s there! You’ve been sitting on it this entire time and didn’t even realize it. Don’t worry, WUSSY is here to help you identify what kind of butthole you have so you can live a more ASStute life.

So take your baseball bat, bash your neighbor’s car mirror off, and prop your taint on the kitchen table cuz it’s about to get messy, henny!

 

Smooth

The Slip ‘N Slide of anuses. Just add water and it’s fun for the whole family! Warning: wait at least 30 minutes after you eat before diving in.

Hairy

Voluminous and strong; not just a Garnier Fructis tagline. These anuses can rock French braids, any haircut worn by Skrillex, and – for the more durable taint – a fun game of Double Dutch in your neighborhood cul-de-sac.

Prolapse

The Ella Fitzgerald of Assholes; the Scat Queen. You can find her with a cigarette resting on her lips as she lays down some freestyle verses at your local open mic.

 

Tight

At the foot of the Mines of Moria lies the Doors of Durin. To enter you must press your mouth closely up against the doors and whisper in the elven tongue, “Ennyn Durin Aran Moria. Pedo Mellon a Minno. Im Narvi hain echant. Celebrimbor o Eregion teithant I thiw hin.”

Ancient Scroll

Endowed with secrets gathered throughout the centuries, this butthole is a tapestry waiting to be open and read. Like your palm, this wise taint holds the answers to your future within its different lines. Each one represents a pillar of life: fate, love, and taco Tuesdays.

Black Hole

Take caution, not even light can escape a black hole’s event horizon. Once an object is caught in its gravitational pull, it is lost forever. Christopher Nolan’s documentary “Interstellar” explores Matthew McConaughey’s daring and fatal journey inside Anne Hathaway’s black hole.

Ikea

Instructions come in Swedish and all you’re given is one Allen wrench. Good luck! Or as the Swedes say, “Gur dur tuh foo noot doop fanoop!”
 

Stevie King is a freelance writer and comedian with a mild obsession for burning down ice cream trucks. They've often been mistaken for Jack Antonoff, Jason Schwartzman, and your mom.