You’re probably still recovering from Father’s Day, or as I like to call it, Poom Poom Slam Me Daddy Solstice. Like every post-apocalyptic movie, you’re exhausted the world’s resource for daddies and are fighting Charlize Theron to survive. After spending Father’s Day pleasing and loving ALL the daddies, what is left in a daddy scarce world?
Have no fear! You no longer need to scroll through hours of Roseanne themed Tumblr porn. Instead, you can venture out into the paternal wasteland and find your savior daddy in Wussy Mag’s latest edition of Daddy Astrology!
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
I’M NOT DONE!
(On the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion) Excuse me I’m talking! No you’re finished! Yes you are! Yes you are! No one wants you here! Will you let me finish?! I’M NOT DONE! If you open your whore mouth again, I’ll punch you with my hand that’s not busy jerking off your husband!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Jamie Lee Curtis
This scream queen releases a banshee wail whenever she poops herself. She maintains a strict diet of Activia Yogurt and Lindsey Lohan’s soul.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Not to be confused with their Xenomorph sibling, this daddy likes to latch herself to boys’ faces till her body atrophies. It can be distracting at times, but makes for a great conversation starter at brunch.
Cancer (June 21 – June 22)
She drives around in a pink go-kart dressed like Princess Peach shouting, “I DON’T NEED A MAN!” Watch out this prissy princess is known to throw dead tortoise shells at unsuspecting pedestrians.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?
Like the famous children’s game show from the 90’s, you decipher clues and riddles to find out where in the world your daddy might be hiding. SPOILER ALERT: she’s not gonna pay child support baby girl.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
(sits you down to a have a serious heart to heart) “I’m not trying to replace your dad, but I am wearing his jockstrap.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Doing a sexy dance number inside a giant water tank, this daddy is showing off her gizmos, whozits, and whatzits to all the Red Lobster customers. Little does she know she’s the main course meal for table 25, a poorly executed Bar Mitzvah party.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Whenever a garbage truck drives by, this daddy shouts at the top of her lungs, “TAKE ME WITH YOU!”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’ll spend hours staring at this daddy in deep contemplation, not knowing what to make of her. You’ll ask yourself, “Is she a flower or a vagina?” (whispers) She’s a vagina.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Dial-Up Internet Access
This daddy is old fashion, but that’s why we like her. She takes forever to load and even longer to finish. Careful, make sure no one’s using the phone otherwise she’ll explode.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Washed Up Beach Whale
(notices washed up daddy on beach shore) Quick! Someone help! This daddy needs to be covered in water-based lube STAT!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s a muffin you heat in the microwave and whisper “daddy’ as you fuck it.
Stevie King is a freelance writer and comedian with a mild obsession for burning down ice cream trucks. They've often been mistaken for Jack Antonoff, Jason Schwartzman, and your mom.