Daddy Astrology: Back to School Edition (NSFW)

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It’s back to school season! Time to go shopping for all your school needs: pencils, notebooks, calculators that spell ‘boobs,’ and daddies!

Daddies are like rulers; they should be at least a foot long and used to compare penis sizes. They’re the school accessory every student needs to get through the school year, besides their big hung bulging student loans. OOoooooo fuck!

Whether it’s back to school or doing bath salts behind the school bleachers, you can find the daddy for you in WUSSY’s latest Daddy Astrology!

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Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Shark Week

The week every ‘Finding Nemo’ furry looks forward to! Watch a week of daddies in their natural habitat - Todd’s hot tub - as they devour small twinkish boys that can’t spell ‘handkerchief.’

 

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Hilary Swank

It’s not actually Hilary Swank. It’s a boy trying really hard not to cry. (sobbing) Goddamn it! I said I wasn’t gonna cry!

 

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Landline Phone

Whoever says landline phones are dead has never met this daddy. Dressed in her finest floral wallpaper, she sits patiently on her plastic wrapped furniture hoping someone … anyone will call her. Sometimes for hours, sometimes for days, sometimes for years … she sits and waits.
 

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Cancer (June 21 – June 22)

Canary

Kept in a small cage, this daddy accompanies a group of miners exploring the depths of a cavernous methane mine, your man-pussy. When the methane levels become too high, this daddy keels over and dies warning the miners of their impending doom.

 

 

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Laser Pointer

Point your laser on the ground and watch this daddy chase a tiny red dot for hours. (sigh) Poor guy, he thinks it’s an anus (chuckles to herself).

 

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Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Passive Aggressive Neighbor

Oh my God of course! Please! Plant your azaleas on my side of the fence! It’s not like they’ll clash with my commemorative ‘Golden Girls’ tree.

 

 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Working Girl

This daddy is a career driven woman who has no time for any man’s shit. You can hear her shouting throughout the office, “Hold all my calls and cancel my appointments! I have a date … with my positive body image.”

 

 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Jesus’s Tomb

For three days this daddy’s disciples mourned the loss of their savior. Till one day they noticed the stone covering his tomb had been moved. They rush inside to find him in the missionary position ready to receive the New Testament.
 

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Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Fidget Spinner

Grab this daddy by his enlarged testicle and watch him spin with perfect balance. Great for party tricks and kids with ADHD.

 

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Tony Hawk Pro Skater

Woooaaaahhh! Narly brah! Daddy did a sick grind off your dick! Ohhhh shit! He’s doing an ollie right into your taint! Whhhuuuuut?!

 

 

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

GoPro-Choice

This daddy loves two things: real-time first person POV shots of skydiving and woman having the choice to do what they want with their body!

 

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Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Cortado

What the fuck is a cortado?

 

 

Stevie King is a freelance writer and comedian with a mild obsession for burning down ice cream trucks. They've often been mistaken for Jack Antonoff, Jason Schwartzman, and your mom.