With over ten million users, Grindr has become the go to app for gay guys when it comes to dating, hooking up, and racist comments. Its simplistic design and lack of info boxes allows users to see what is most important in a person—their looks. Along with their state of the art penis GPS, Grindr has turned a way of life for gay men into an addiction.
To help our gay readers struggling with Grindr addiction, WUSSY has come up with ten tips on how to survive without Grindr. It'll be hard, rough, and you may cry. But like losing your virginity, you may win a free dinner for two at Olive Garden.
WARNING! These methods have only been tested on overly enthusiastic sperm donors and have not been approved by Grindr.
(1) Delete Grindr from your phone. Note: if you immediately puke or scream for an hour straight, this is normal and will eventually go away.
(2) Find a friend and kick their ass. WHY WOULD THEY LET YOU DO THIS?!
(3) Avoid thinking. The worst thing you can do is to overly exert your mind and penis. Or as scientists call it, your mind-penis.
(4) Without the use of Grindr's GPS, you'll have to rely on nature to find your next fling. Lick your finger and point it straight into the air. The next man to lick your finger is probably interested.
(5) If mother nature doesn't seem to be helping, you can always check out social hangout spots like "bars," "clubs," or "back alleys." Try going to a club first as bars have "sports" playing in the background and back alleys are a go-to place for off-duty garbage men.
(6) Arrive at the club carrying a leather bound portfolio of your classiest nudes and proceed to shout at everyone, "WHO WANTS TO SEE MY DICK PICS?!" Like for a job interview at Arby's, you need to convey to everyone you're vulnerable but professional. Include stacks of Monopoly money with each nude to demonstrate why you are a valuable investment.
(7) When someone approaches and expresses interest in you, they'll want to talk and get to know you. I know what you're thinking. . . "How can I breathe and talk at the same time? Won't I die?" The answer to that question is, not every time. If you focus all of your breathing through your nasal and nipple passages, you might survive.
(8) After much careful breathing and discussion, it's time to invite your fling to engage in sexual intercourse. Give your invitation in the form of a delightful Hallmark card, something with a dead mother pun. Bring him back to your place and enjoy some safe sex. Remember! Things you can't replace a condom with: a Ziploc bag, a Furby, a Gatorade bottle, Play-Doh, or a blender.
(9) If you feel the need to re-download Grindr, call your dad. Listen to him breathe and talk. Like the sound of the ocean, or a freak train accident, this will relieve stress in your mind-penis. If you don't have a dad, download SCRUFF.
(10) Don't beat yourself up if none of these tips work out for you. Instead, beat up the same friend from earlier, and remember. . . you always have Christian Mingle.
Stevie King is a freelance writer and comedian with a mild obsession for burning down ice cream trucks. They've often been mistaken for Jack Antonoff, Jason Schwartzman, and your mom.