Queers are in for a tough fight over the next few years. Donald Trump’s administration seems ready to roll back protections for the LGBTQ+ community, hate crimes are on the rise, and not a single one of the major frozen pizza brands has agreed to throw a queer-inclusive sex party. And now, even TV--that bastion of queer liberal Jews--is starting to regress. At first, it was just rumors of Will and Grace coming back but now, another Bush-era gay parade is being revived with news that Netflix has ordered an eight-episode reboot of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
For those of you younger millennials who don’t remember the original, Queer Eye was a Bravo reality show where five magical homosexuals showed up to teach straight men that you should eat more than just Hot Pockets and to push a hairless twink agenda on the heterosexual men of America. It was a phenomenon that ushered in the era of the “metrosexual,” which is a fancy word for straight men who steal all the best parts of gay culture but then still treat us like shit.
And it’s coming back.
But for those of us in the queer community, something might seem a little off about so-called queers getting face-to-face with a bunch of older married men and gleefully giving them fashion and lifestyle advice. So Netflix, if you’re listening, here are some ideas for updates you can make to the series so that it more accurately represents the terms you’re so casually tossing around.
Queer Eye for the Slow Erosion of Civil Rights
In this version of the show, five queer lifestyle experts come together to ignore the slovenly man who “needs” their help because his WIFE doesn’t like the way he grooms himself. Instead, they volunteer their time at the ACLU, SPLC, and other civil rights groups to ensure that the Trump Administration doesn’t slowly chip away at all the progress we made over the past few years.
Queer Guys Giving Black Eyes
Queer people stalk various members of alt-right, white nationalist groups and wait until they are in a very public place and punch the ever-living shit out of them in front of a crowd so that the public knows not to fuck with us. Alternately, they can sneak into these people’s homes, shove a buttplug up their ass, take a tire iron to their limbs, and dump their broken bodies on the steps of the North Carolina legislature but that might be too TV-MA for Netflix.
Queer Eye for Focusing on the Issues Within Our Own Community for a Fucking Change
The queer community certainly isn’t immune from its own insipid brands of heteronormativity, racism, transphobia, ableism and even anti-Semitism. So guess what straight guys who don’t know not to wear pleated pants? You can take a number while five queer lifestyle gurus sort their OWN issues out. We’ll get back to you once we’ve solved our own shit.
Queer Eye for Queer People
Not every fucking queer person is some fashionista cooking expert with excellent taste in ottomans so maybe we should try and help out clueless members of our own community who are struggling with their internalized homophobia and heteronormativity to find their voices as a liberated queer person who isn’t weighed down by society’s expectations on what “makes a man a man.” Straight folks, you’ve got plenty going on. Let us have this.
Queer Eye for Grovelling Heteros Who Are Willing To Pay
We’re happy to teach you how to groom, how to dress, how to cook, how to decorate, and how to slow dance with your wife, but our rates are exorbitant and we require you to lay yourselves at your feet and apologize for all your problematic behavior in the past. You will be shocked by how much we charge but we will happily remind you that we have no guaranteed security in this world and queers have to make it on their own and if you have a real issue with the cost of our services, maybe you should take it up with the real enemy: CAPITALISM.
In conclusion, Netflix, if you are listening, these are the ideas that queer people want to see on the screen. And yes, I am available to consult and, no, I won’t require that much grovelling; just give me a cameo in the next Sense8 hot tub scene.
Julian Modugno was your average mid-level antagonistic queer happy to just relax until some bullshit went down in his country of origin. Now he fights the good fight by making politics seem even worse at his regular politicomedy free-for-all, Debate ATL.