There’s no reason the turkey should be the only one getting stuffed this Thanksgiving! You deserve to gobble, gobble up every helping of Daddy’s turkey leg.
Or for you vegans, cubes of discolored tofu.
If you’re looking for some fowl play this Thanksgiving with a Daddy who has plenty of wishbone to tug, your hunt is over! Wussy can find the right daddy to spread his gravy all over you in the latest Daddy Astrology!
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Gather around as Daddy serves your favorite Thanksgiving meal. (whispers) It’s his ass.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
There’s only Daddy left on the shelf, and a mother wearing three windbreakers isn’t going to let you have him. Destroy her!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Georgia O’Keeffe’s twin brother. He paints penises that look like flowers.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Virtual Reality (VR)
Put on your VR headset and dive into a world of paternal love and affirmation. Watch HGTV and cook finger foods with your daddy avatar. His approval of your liberal arts degree will feel like the real thing!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Don’t mess with this daddy’s driving! He follows the laws of the road to a T. When he sees a stop sign, he comes to a complete stop … for eternity.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
New Wall Color
The eggshell white semi-gloss goes great in daddy’s living room, but it won’t save his marriage.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
21 Jump Street
This daddy dresses and acts like he’s one of the popular girls at your Highschool, but everyone knows he’s an undercover cop. (Shouts) Goddamn it Todd! You have a family! Go home to your wife!
Scoprio (October 23 – November 21)
If there’s one thing this daddy loves, it’s his titties. Look! He can make them play Settlers of Catan!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This daddy does not know how to eat a hotdog. He spent an hour licking the bun, and then threw the wiener at a Sharper Image fan.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Oh honnneeeey! This daddy is VICIOUS! He puts on his petty-coat before he gets petty with you! Burlington Coat Factory is now open, because reading is what!? Part of your 90-day warranty!
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Some daddies have sister wives; others have brother husbands. Like their female counterpart, they have a hit show on TLC I’m not allowed to watch. Ugggghhh my 7th mom is such a biiiiitttcccch.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
All he wants is for his son to twirl ribbons! Why won’t Jared twirl ribbons?! Doesn’t he know he’s killing his daddy?!
Stevie King is a freelance writer and comedian with a mild obsession for burning down ice cream trucks. They've often been mistaken for Jack Antonoff, Jason Schwartzman, and your mom.