Spring is nature’s way of saying “I’m a fuckin slut!” It’s all about new growth, weeding out the bad, and making room for 12 strangers in an unsupervised pollen themed bukkake.
As you give your soul a much-needed Spring cleaning, it’s time to plant the seeds for a garden everyone can find nourishment from... Daddies.
Like the sun, Daddies provide life and skin cancer. You don’t have to make flower crown cock rings by yourself like every other year. Instead, find the right daddy that’ll help you bloom as a secret lizard person in WUSSY’s latest Daddy Astrology!
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
(walking down the street, sudden moment of shock) Oh my god! I haven’t fed daddy in 12 years! Oh god! Shit! Shit! FUCK! Oohhhh this is bad … you don’t think he’s dead do you?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Daddy Long Legs
Not to be confused with the spider that plants eggs in your esophagus every night you go to sleep. No, this daddy has crazy long legs. You can find him at your local track meet lathering his legs with canola oil. Beware, stand too close to this daddy and his legs will ensnare you in a web of sexual pain.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The Daddy No One invited
What the fuck is she doing here?
Cancer (June 21 – June 22)
No one knows this daddy or is sure how he got into your house, but he’s made himself quite comfortable. He sits at your dining room table with one light shining on him. He stares at you intently. You notice a pile of envelopes and stamps next to him. He licks each stamp with a guttural slurp as he mutters, “I’ll leave when I’m done.”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
One daddy. One greyhound bus. One bomb. If this daddy goes below 50 miles per hour, he’ll blow his load before rush hour.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Every morning this daddy wakes up 7:00 AM to greet the sun. They walk to their Victorian windowsill, open the hinges, and shouts, “COME TO MY WINDOW!” for an hour till the village sacrifice is presented to him.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Hello valued customer, I’m calling you on behalf of Kroger to let you know you may have a daddy that’s been recalled. All daddies with too many birthmarks, sexually arousing Adam’s apple, or high levels of Mercury retrograde are a risk to your health. Please call us back, and we’ll refund you with 5 gas points that expire now.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
These aren’t jazz hands! (slaps your face with a pair bloody severed hands) These are your dad’s hands!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!
30 years after it was introduced, this daddy still can’t believe it’s not butter! When his first child was born, the first thing he said to his wife was, “I can’t believe it’s not butter!” At late hours of the night, when the family think they are safe to sleep, he will wake up the whole house to tell everyone it’s not butter. Sometimes his children will hear him whispering to himself and ask, “What did you say Dad?” to which he replies in a shocked hush, “I can’t believe it’s not butter.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
rfhjnkjuia xdsasdaxdsxds cazsbnhtg drfaszdf tghbkixzs bjugt tgfghdsebn agaszkjiun nuh drfekjtgghdrefr casn yhuoklijui.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
9 to 5
He doesn’t actually work a 9 to 5 job. He just shows up to your office from 9 to 5 failing to install the new tank on the freestanding watercooler. He’s drenched all over his body by the end of the day, but insists he’s “got it!”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s a Coach bag.
Stevie King is a freelance writer and comedian with a mild obsession for burning down ice cream trucks. They've often been mistaken for Jack Antonoff, Jason Schwartzman, and your mom.