Fours-Fours Across the Board in Not-So Stunning All-Stars Four Premiere

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Time to dust off the dead butterfly carcasses from season ten finale and saddle up for another season of RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars. This year, WUSSY will be recapping every tea spilled, shade thrown, and wig snatched in the much anticipated season four of All-Stars.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t know how RuPaul is going to reinvent the wheel on this season of All-Stars. We went from every four years to whenever VH1 needs to air something other than reruns of Flavor of Love’s Charm School. There’s a big part of me that hopes this season will turn into Westworld. Like half of the show will be told in ominous, moody flashbacks and then it’ll cut to the present where we’ll see robot penises EVERYWHERE. But I guess it’s not about reinventing the wheel. We know what to what expect when we watch RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars.

Starting with the entrance looks, the queens are packing new money, new looks, and the same old catchphrases. Some queens elevate old entrance looks like Farrah Moan’s Christina Aguilera and Vegas showgirl mashup, while others played to their strengths--like Naomi Smalls showing off her legendary legs.

Hands down my favorite look goes to Monique Heart. The roses with the heart crown and the jeweled tear had me gagging! What topped it off was her interview look: the brown cow jacket with - you guessed it - a mini brown cow figurine on top of her head. Bringing it all together was the hilarious visual gag of her rings spelling ‘stunning’ as she bumped them against each other.

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My only disappointment, aside from Jasmine Masters’ eyebrows (ooof), was Gia Gunn’s entrance look. Not because she didn’t look STUN, oh she did! But because I think it was a missed opportunity to one-up her famous circle purse entrance look from season 6. Could you imagine if Gia walked into the workroom in a giant gerbil exercising ball mouthing ‘absolutely’ or if she was carrying a platter of fresh tilapia to literally serve?

Like Zordon from Power Rangers, RuPaul beams himself into the workroom to reveal the competition’s secret weapon: returning season one All-Stars, Manila and Latrice Royale. I think we’re all glad these two powerhouse performers are being given a second chance to remind the Drag Race world what they’re made of. Manila doesn’t disappoint with her clever road-kill inspired take on her famous Big Bird dress, and Latrice serves up a big helping of body-ody-ody that we all want to eat up.

RuPaul breaks the ice with her batch of new girls by opening up the library for a reading session. Latrice and Jasmine share some great banter that works great for their reads and earns Latrice a mini-challenge win. On the bottom of the barrel, unfortunately, is Farrah Moan and Gia Gunn. Gia makes the mistake of aiming low and personal instead of making jokes. While Farrah Moan makes the mistake of thinking too hard. In her defense, straight military husbands are super gay you guys!

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With reading out of the way, the girls get to work and polish their acts for the All-Stars talent show. Most of the queens have an act in their back pocket and improve upon what’s responded well with their fan base, like Trinity the Tuck’s - you guessed it - tucking act. Some of the queens, like Jasmine Masters and her hilariously irreverent Instagram videos, struggle to elevate these signature performances with something new and it lands them in the bottom.

For the most part, the talent show is pretty bland. There’s not much you can ask drag queens to do that we haven’t already seen from fourteen seasons of Drag Race and a Christmas special we can’t scrub from our minds. Despite the lackluster acts, two standout performances go to Latrice and Valentina. Latrice commands the mainstage with a fun color guard number, and Valentina finally takes off the mask and proves she can lip synch. Surprisingly, both queens are safe because the producers are saving them for a sexy Brexit storyline I created on Reddit.

Instead, Farrah Moan takes a tumble and cries. Jasmine Masters talks about ass breath, which lands both her and Farrah in the bottom two. In an all-out lip synch for your legacy battle, Trinity beats Monique and takes the win by NOT TAKING OFF HER GODDAMN WIG. Because what’s the first rule of Drag Race? You don’t take off your wig unless you’re Sasha Velour, Roxxxy Andrews, or Michelle Visage. And with Monique’s quaffed wig thrown into the rafters of the main stage, Jasmine Masters is sent home to feel her jush and keep going viral till the rest of her days.

For a first episode, it’s a improvement from last year’s orchestrated robbery of Shangela, but has yet to offer anything Drag Race fans haven’t seen before. Hopefully, next week’s episode, centered around our favorite henny Stacy Layne Matthews, will offer us something we think is couture.

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Kiki of the week:

  • If you haven’t already, watch the Instagram video mashup of Farrah Moan at the season nine reunion special and “Kiki do you love me?”

  • My favorite thing I overheard someone say at the bar while watching this episode: “I’m sad they don’t make quaaludes anymore.”

  • Naomi Smalls to Manila, “You’re my Lady Bunny.”

  • HOW WAS LATRICE SAFE AMERICA?!

  • I’m glad it was only a wig Monique sent flying into the rafters and not my favorite son, Bently. He’s a top honors student!

  • I’m still holding out for the day that RuPaul sends every drag queen home by setting the main stage on fire.