Everyone knows there’s one essential piece of equipment in the dom top’s toolkit.
No, not a hard penis (genitals don’t make the top, after all). We’re talking about the flat brimmed cap that you wear to signify to all the eager bubblebutts that you’re serious about breeding their nummy little holes. Just like a fingerprint, every flat brimmed cap is unique and says a LOT about a top’s personality. Read on and you might just learn something about yourself or the mysterious stranger that left you gooping with juices last night (not his name though; that ship has sailed)!
Favorite Team Cap
Hell yeah you like sports! And why shouldn’t you? Being gay doesn’t mean you can’t pretend baseball stats are important. Besides, you’re not like other gays. The only drag race you’re interested in is the kind where an Earnhardt might die. Sure, you work out at the gym (A LOT) but you’re not shallow because you use the word “huskular” to describe your physique. You only fuck 22-year-old twinks.
A Hat with Acrylic Letters
You’re so proud of who you are, you wear it on your sleeve--or should we say HAT. A unique personality? Who needs it! You’re 23 years old but you still insist on your bottoms calling you “Daddy.” You’ve been known to audibly moan “uwu” while cumming.
Legend of Zelda Cap
We get it! You like video games. That’s not a personality! Your profile says you’re looking for your player 2, all your tattoos are from video games, and you live in a carpeted apartment in the suburbs. Better get them scotchguarded cuz there’s gonna be a lot of fluids flying once you bring home that sub from DragonCon.
You’re a top with a sense of humor which means bottoms hate you. You want to kill yourself but fisting someone else will have to do for now.
A Designer Snapback
This hat means you’re a very serious and artistic top but occasionally you need to flip and get gangbanged while crying to Neutral Milk Hotel. Sounds like somebody needs a Mangum-sized condom!
Hat With A Curved Brim
You are not actually gay but you’ve adopted the title of queer because you like to wear a harness and choke your wife.
American Flag Hat
You’re a racist.
One of These Fucking Hats
You’ve never met a hacky-sack you didn’t like and that extends to the hairy, unkempt sack you got swinging between your legs. You don’t have body hair anywhere else but insist that your subs are hirsute from top to toe. You use coconut oil for lube and you make your bottom slurp up any spilled cummies with a reusable aluminum straw!
Hat That Says “TODD”
You’re my ex and you’re not getting your fucking hat back TODD.
Julian Modugno is a humorist, part time meme model, and an aspiring top just waiting for the right cap. You can follow him on instagram at @historysgreatestmonster.