It’s that time of year! Time to cozy up with some spiked eggnog, enjoy testicles roasting on a open flame, and bite into a tray of gingerbread hoe hoe hoes as you watch RuPaul's Holi-Slay Spectacular this Friday at 9 pm.
All your favorite queens — including Jasmine Masters, Sonique, Kim Chi, Eureka, Latrice Royale, Mayhem Miller, Shangela, and Trixie Mattel — are back to fight for the title of the first Drag Race “Christmas Queen!”
We’ve got a few things on our WUSSY Xmas list we’d like to see play out in this holiday television extravaganza!
1) Trixie vs. Shangela
Trixie Mattel is on everyone’s naughty list this year for snatching Shangela’s crown on All-Stars season 3. Will Santa give Shangela what she’s been wanting all year, a crown? Or will she be stuck with sweaters from a shutdown Sears (THANKS GRANDMA).
2) Mistletoe Action
Ross Matthews and Todrick Hall are the most adorable lesbians we’ve seen on television. There’s so much sexual tension between these ladies you could cut it in half with a Home Depot gift card and still have money left over to renovate your cat sexporium. Maybe they’ll find themselves under a hanging mistletoe and share a tender holiday vag-smash.
3) Season 1 Camera Filter
Nothing says good holiday lighting like the bright wash and camera blur of season 1 (aka ‘the lost season’)! It harkens back to the days when the show was shot like an intern accidentally smeared butter on the camera lens and didn't say ANYTHING.
4) DRAG QUEENS TRYING TO DRINK OUT OF STRAWS
You might gag for the holiday-themed looks! You might LIIIIVVVVEEE for the Christmas puns on the main stage! But Drag Race would be nothing without drag queens trying and ultimately failing to drink out of straws. It’s such a big spectacle it has its own Tumblr page dedicated to gifs the Ru Girls struggling to take a little sippy sip of their dumb bitch juice.
5) Sneak Peek at All-Stars Season 4
Santa is being really generous this year by giving us a sneak peek at All-Stars Season 4. Which is great because I hear right after All-Stars there’s going to be a lifetime-long marathon where you’ll die before you see the end because when was the last time we had a month or day without Drag Race? It’s not real, but I swear to God eventually we’re going to have a streaming service just for Drag Race shows.
6) Another Head on the Goddamn Ornacia Totem Pole
Everyone but Bebe Zahara Benet knows who Ornacia is. She is Vivacious’ other head and the MVP of season 6. But deep in the bowels of Reddit is an ongoing collage totem pole where people have been stacking drag queens heads on top of Kennedy Davenport and Ornacia. It’s like a giant drag Christmas tree! Hopefully, these girls will turn out some sickening holiday looks to keep this depraved Cronenberg experiment running.
7) Death Drop for Christmas Shoes
Grandma’s not the only one dropping dead this Christmas! There’s better be death drops for baby Jesus’ special day! If not at least a tumble from Kim Chi.
Stevie King is a freelance writer and comedian with a mild obsession for burning down ice cream trucks. They've often been mistaken for Jack Antonoff, Jason Schwartzman, and your mom.