The American economy is in shambles. The cost of living is skyrocketing dramatically while wages are stagnant. The fat cats at the top of the food chain keep pocketing their profits for themselves which leaves the average American with less money to spend and fewer resources to pursue their interests. Perhaps most depressingly, this means young queers can no longer afford the necessities of life like neon mesh Andrew Christian jock thongs.
It’s true! Millennial queers are 37% less likely to own an Andrew Christian Show-It Retro Pop Jock™ than their Gen X and Baby Boomer counterparts, despite the fact that those generations are way over 30 years old (DISGUSTING!) and should just be wearing a flimsy old pair of boxers held together with duct tape. Andrew Christians aren’t some frivolous luxury; they’re the perfect pair of underwear to show off that you’re a sexy little fucker with your own unique sense of style… just like everyone else!
So what’s a young twink to do? Fear not! We’ve compiled six easy cost-cutting measures that’ll help put money back in your wallet before it is immediately removed from your wallet and sent to Mr. Christian.
Cutting Renter’s Insurance
Renter’s insurance. Bah, who needs it! The only thing you need to protect is the way your bulge looks through a neon mesh pouch. Sure, you may lose everything you own in a fire, but tis better to have owned an Andrew Christian Trophy Boy Active Mesh Boxer™ and lost, than never to have owned an Andrew Christian Trophy Boy Active Mesh Boxer™ at all.
Approximate savings: One Trophy Boy Active Mesh Boxer™ A MONTH!
Stop Supporting the Arts
Queers are known for their excellent taste in the arts, but what’s the point of being cultured if your undie stash is being vultured? Your friend is having an opening? Well you’ve got one, too, and nobody is going to see it if you don’t swaddle it in the finest hot pink synthetic neoprene! Theater? It’s a dying art form, just like your sex life will be if you don’t drape yourself in high-tech hyper-skimpy thong jocks! Sure, patronizing the arts is a good way to get out there and meet people but you know the real way to make friends is buying expensive underwear and sending thirst trap photos to that gay guy you friended from Scruff but have never met in real life! Ah, thirst traps: the only relevant form of art left!
Approximate Savings: 3 Love Sweetheart Mesh Cage Thongs™ A MONTH!
Give Up Lunch
Put down that avocado toast cuz it’s time to spread a different neon green somethin’ somethin’ on your crusty white bread. The average human eats lunch a shocking TWENTY-EIGHT TO THIRTY-ONE times a MONTH. That’s a lot of calories going straight to your hips instead of pure cash going straight to Andrew Christian! Try cutting out this truly unnecessary meal and buy yourself a FUKR Gloss Air Thong (with Gigolo Mesh)™. It’s the perfect pair of underwear to show off the skin stretched taut over a bony pelvis that you call an ass.
Approximate savings: 12 FUKR Gloss Air Thongs (with Gigolo Mesh)™ A MONTH!
Execute Your Dog
Get out of the doghouse and INTO the bathhouse. Oh sure, Fido provides you with loyal companionship but once your balls are lovingly cupped by Andrew Christian’s innovative scrotum enhancing polyurethane, you’ll have all the CUMpanionship you could ever want. Besides, you’re going to be so busy getting laid through the bussy access of your Almost Naked Air Mesh Y-Back Thong™ that you won’t have time to feed or walk a dog anyways. Really, this is less cruel than just letting your dog starve to death cuz you’re too busy guzzling cum.
Approximate savings: 34 Star Mesh Locker Room Jocks with Almost Naked™ A YEAR!!
Stop Paying Rent
I know what you’re thinking: where am I going to keep all my Andrew Christian underpants if I get evicted? But worry not, once everyone sees how nummy-for-cummy you look in your Love Sweetheart Mesh Briefs™, Daddy will be paying your rent for you! Heck, he’ll probably even put you up in the penthouse suite cuz Daddy don’t fuck in a garden apartment. And if a sugar daddy doesn’t come along and you end up on the streets? Well, henny, then your savings are about to SKYROCKET and that just means extra money for the true necessities in life.
Approximate savings: 28 Provocative Gigolo Mesh Harnesses™ A MONTH!
Every damn thing you do to stay alive is a drain on those finances! Eating, sleeping, going to movies, drinking Absolut vodka, getting vaccinations! You can keep all that money for yourself if you just completely cease all vital function! Now sure, you might be saying, “this seems a bit drastic.” But what’s a little eternal non-existence compared to the peace of mind you get from knowing your corpse looks amazing in its Regal Access Boxer (which provides any hunky graverobbers with EASY access to your hole at all times). And with all the money you’re saving, you can have fresh undies delivered straight to your grave EVERY MONTH. You might be singing with the angels, but your body will be looking devilishly good.
Approximate savings: INFINITE Almost Naked Dirty Cash Singlets™!
So there you have it, my recessionistas!
With a little clever frugality, even a poor piece of shit like you can look like a million bucks… and get a million fucks! You might not have any cash left over for anything else in your life, but remember: Andrew Christian underpants ARE your life!
Julian Modugno is an impoverished queer who is desperately resewing the one pair of expensive panties he owns like Marge with her Chanel dress. You can follow him on instagram @historysgreatestmonster.