Unplug RuPaul’s cryo chamber! Untuck Michelle Visage’s clone from the amniotic vat!
That’s right: Drag Race is back for Season 100! Do these queens have the charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent to make it to the top? They better, because otherwise it’s off to the Interior Illusions Soylent Green Factory! So take a break from scouring the wastelands for scrap metal and get to know the Queens of Season 100!
This queen ain’t thirsty. Immortan Jolene won’t just take your man—she’ll take every drop of H₂O in the tank. She’s stingy with her water, so she’ll have to mop the floor with the other queens instead. If her looks seem familiar, it’s because they’re cobbled together from the debris of your former home and the bones of your loved ones. We stan a crafty queen!
Some queens use prosthesis but this queen uses telekinesis! Her giant brain is the result of a chemical spill and she’s got the ego to match. She may not be allowed back in New York after she pulled a Carrie at Wigstock, but VH1’s new “Blood for Ratings” policy might make her a prime contender for Drag Race herstory. Now who says smart isn’t sexy?
That’s right drag race fans, after 100 seasons you’re finally getting a drag king. Courtesy of the Make-A-Wish Foundation, this king is here to say that gender can’t stop your dreams from coming true and neither can numerous malignant tumors brought on from years of polluted water, chemical laden air, and unmitigated solar radiation! Will he death drop all over the stage, or just drop dead? Tune in and find out!
When this whale adapted to walking on land, she immediately started subverting gender roles. Don’t be fooled by her million dollar baleen smile, cuz she’s here to snatch the crown with a barnacle covered flipper. Technically she’s mammal, but she’s serving a metric ton of fish... and eating it too!
Editor’s Note: Immediately following the publishing of this article, Beluga Gayle died from having too much plastique in her tummy.
Despite RuPaul’s well-documented and extremely vocal robophobia, this fembot will be the first of her kind to twirl down the Drag Race stage. So what if she doesn’t have lips to lip sync with? She just upgraded her CPU (Cuntiness Processing Unit) and will be beeping with the boop of them! BOP BOP!
She might be more energy than matter at this point, but don’t count out this nuclear meltdown survivor. You can’t throw shade at something that’s made of pure light and you can’t sissy that walk if you’re constantly exposed to toxic levels of radiation poisoning, kitty girls. Her looks aren’t just sickening—they’re sterilizing.
Male? Female? When you see KROG, you’ll have bigger questions than that. Questions like, “now how many arms is that?” and “hey, who keeps eating the Pit Crew?”. The Hills don’t just have eyes, mama; they’ve got legs, AND arms, AND lewks for days!
A sentient collection of waste that took human form, this queen is quite literally the shit. Her performances aren’t just gag worthy, they’re nauseating hunty. A darling of drag’s literal underground, this is one trash queen to watch--just don’t smell her, too. If we weren’t GOOPED before, we will be once she skidmarks across the stage!
Thorgy Thor’s Head in a Jar
She’s baaaack… and she’s still feeling IN-CRED-IBLE! She might not have that body-ody-ody but she’s serving face and nothing else! At least we think she is. It’s hard to tell how she’s emoting cuz, henny, those dreads are still here and they are just swirling around in the tank making the water all dirty. That’s right, it’s the future and there are still white people with dreads. WOO, how do you like THEM apples?!
Editor’s Note: immediately following the publishing of this article, the last apple tree went extinct.
Category is: she’s not just a mind reader, she’s a thot-eater! What is this voice in my head? Why do I see the face of Lillith Id in my dreams every night!? Why won’t these damnable visions sashay away!? What is this loathing I feel in my mind? NO, not loathing… but LOVE. If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love LILLITH ID, ETERNAL DOMINATRIX OF THE GALAXY MIND. BOW BEFORE HER AND TREMBLE, SQUIRREL FRIENDS!
Well there you have it! The queens of season 100!
Better luck next season Brigitte Bidet!
Julian Modugno is a writer and humorist based out of Chicago, IL. He hates everything you love and won't be happy until it's destroyed and you're left with nothing. You can follow him on instagram @historysgreatestmonster.