When the dust settles and the history books are written, 2018 will go down as one of the worst years in history, not just for the world, but more importantly, for me! But 2019? 2019 is when things are going to change. Sure, I might be clinically depressed, out of shape, artistically unfulfilled, suicidal, and unable to pay my student loans, but, this year, I’m not gonna let my extremely low self worth stop me from having impossibly high standards for the people I’m willing to date!
Do I hate myself? Of course I do! But not as much as I hate the idea of grabbing coffee with someone who doesn’t fulfill my ever-growing list of must-haves in a romantic partner! My flaws make me quirky and interesting. Heck, one day they’ll give me enough fuel to write a best-selling book or maybe start a podcast or write a screenplay. It hasn’t happened yet, but I believe it will. That’s what makes my flaws so endearing: an intense sense of misplaced belief in them. But flaws in someone else? No thanks!
This is going to be the year I get my shit together. No more cancelling plans at the last minute, unless those plans are with someone who has also cancelled plans in the past, in which case, consider us cancelled because I don’t have the energy for someone who cancels plans! I don’t care if you’re depressed, lazy, or just plain crushed by the bleakness of upcoming environmental collapse. There are no excuses, unless they’re my excuses, of course. I’m just looking for someone who will be at my beck and call and have no problem with me cancelling plans at the last minute because look, my circumstances are special. I have self-diagnosed clinical depression, after all!
Am I keeping a scorecard? You bet. On one side is a detailed list of every single thing each person I’m considering romantically has done to slight, offend, or inconvenience me. And on the other side of the scorecard? Nothing. It’s blank. Sure, an increased sense of accountability in my life would mean stronger relationships, a more active and healthy lifestyle, and a more vivacious pursuit of the things that make me truly happy. But that would require gazing inward and why would I do that when it’s just so much easier to gaze outward at all someone else’s problems and do nothing but criticize them? Am I perfect? Hell no! I haven’t even gotten my haircut in months because I’m terrified of that part of the haircut where they show me the back of my head and I have to confront just how disgusting and misshapen I look from behind! But we’re not here to talk about my increasingly disheveled appearance! We’re here to talk about you, and all the things that we both do that disqualify you from dating me.
After all, you’re probably only interested in me for a quick late-night fuck session anyways which is fine... when I do it. I’m not going to let anybody slut-shame me, least of all the person I’m trying to slut shame! I have the same carnal needs that anyone else does and there’s nothing wrong with me fulfilling those needs with you, unless you are also trying to fulfill those base desires in which case yes, it’s very very wrong! I guess I’m just an old-fashioned romantic. I am a Pisces after all! And what’s this? You’re a Leo? Well that just confirms what I already knew, which is basically a bunch of disqualifying judgments I made from perusing your Spotify history. New Found Glory? REALLY!?
Listen, if I was interested in growth and evolution, I would just watch Planet Earth 2 in a red wine and marijuana haze for the fourth time this week. I can just tell things wouldn’t work out between us. After all, if you can’t handle me at my regular depressed self, then you don’t deserve me at my completely-unrealistic vision of who I think I am. I’m not looking to waste my time in 2019, oh no. I have plans--big ones--and you can bet I’m about to start making moves if only I could get out of these pajamas and stop aimlessly flitting between the same four dating apps. The romantic partner of my dreams is out there, somewhere, and like all dreams, I will pursue it in the most pig-headed manner possible. Sure, I may have learned to compromise on the car I drive, the apartment I live in, and the job I suffer through, but why would I ever apply those lessons to something like dating? My ideal mate is out there somewhere and I’m not willing to settle for anything less than perfection. After all, I’m not looking for a partner I have to fix. I’m looking for a partner to fix me.
Julian Modugno is a writer and humorist based out of Chicago, IL. He hates everything you love and won't be happy until it's destroyed and you're left with nothing. You can follow him on instagram @historysgreatestmonster.