I NEED TO SAY SOMETHING [imagine I wrote that with the emoji hand claps].
MILEY CYRUS IS QUEER. SHE IS QUEER. YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY THAT FACT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ONLINE TROLLS KICK AND SCREAM ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHE MARRIED A MAN. THE GIRL SAYS SHE’S QUEER, SO SHE’S QUEER. GET OVER IT. I SAID WHAT I SAID. FACTS ARE FACTS. GOODBYEEEEEE.
I would end my article right there, but my editor would likely never assign me another story again, so let me expound upon the issue of bi-and-pan-phobia causing some of ya’ll to show your asses on Twitter and in the comment sections:
Bi and Pan Folx Are Still Queer, No Matter Who They’re Romantically Involved With
Take it from a bisexual girl who married a man: I still find women attractive. It’s easy, when they’re so goddamn beautiful all the fucking time. And while my marriage and its intricacies is NONE OF YA DAMN BUSINESS, I will tell you that one of the things I love about my husband is that he has never questioned my queerness - in fact, he revels in it, but not in a gross, festish-y way. He’s proud of me, he’s proud of me owning my sexuality - he’s just straight up PROUD of me. That’s not a humblebrag, them’s just facts, hennys. That’s why I chose to be with him - he’s my best friend, partner, and I’m pretty sure if other lives exist, I knew him in all of them. We’re that close. You can’t fault a girl for falling in love with a man like that.
But even though I love him til death-do-us-part, I’m still gonna break out into a cold sweat whenever I think about the potential impending storyline of Tahani and Eleanor falling in love on The Good Place. Capisce? Good.
This is Not the Backlash Miley Deserves
Have y’all forgotten about Miley’s twerking-while-white phase? The girl deserves some damn backlash for acting like cultural appropriation is cute (it’s not), but not for marrying a Hemsworth. Let’s be honest - we all want to marry a Hemsworth, gay, straight, everything-in-between. If you believe that The Kinsey Scale exists, then so does what I term ‘The Hemsworth Scale,’ which ranges from Lesser Hemsworth Luke to Higher Plane Hemsworth Chris. And you, my friend, are SOMEWHERE ON THIS SPECTRUM OF HEMSWORTHINESS. Even Cecily Strong of SNL fame, who I nominate as a Queer Icon, has said that when Chris Hemsworth came to host SNL, the entire cast loved him so much that they all felt like they were dating him by the end of it.
But I digress. All of this backlash came from a recent Vanity Fair article, in which Miley gave an interview regarding her “queer status” after marrying Liam Hemsworth. And ya’ll are blowing up the comments section and Twitter with disdain, casting doubt on her identity. It’s like y’all forgot what being in the closet was like - and what it’s like to be pushed back into it. Granted, Miley doesn’t need little ol’ me defending her - but when you come for Miley, you come for, well, some of us! So just don’t, fam. I don’t come to your house and tell you how to fillet a fish, so don’t come to mine and tell me I can’t have it both ways.
*This post has NOT been sponsored by McDonald’s.*
Anna Jones is a writer and producer currently based in Atlanta. She is the proud owner of digital copywriting agency Girl.Copy and independent film production company Tiny Park Productions. She loves a lot of stuff, but mainly: her husband, kid, and cat, writing and filmmaking, coffee and Diet Coke, millennial pink, sushi, gay stuff, and horror films.