You’re an ally! You’re woke! You’re… still fetishizing cops?!
Oh sure, their uniforms are skintight and they have big phallic guns but also they’re a nightmare weapon of the state used to oppress people of color! Ugh, don’t you just hate it when your kinks are problematic?!
Well good news: there are plenty of other occupations you can fetishize without romanticizing fascist murderers! It’s true! We here at WUSSY jerked it to over 500 different professions and compiled a list of the seven sexiest jobs that made us squart the hardest.
Check out our list and instead of fucking the police, you’ll be saying “Fuck the police!”
Charter School Teacher
Still looking for something a little controversial? Why not beat your meat to a charter school teacher? They’re not necessarily evil, but they sure serve a system that is. Ooh yeah baby, just thinking about them working for an organization that drains resources from public schools and the people who need them most gets us HARD AS A ROCK.
If you don’t see the power exchange inherent in being a beekeeper, then clearly you need a change of perspective. To a bee, the beekeeper is a god and he’ll be yours, too, you sticky little honey sub. If you like anonymous sex, good luck guessing who’s behind that massive helmet and baggy suit! If you’re anxious, he’ll just blow smoke—and poppers!—in your face until you calm down and open up. He might want your honey, but you know you need his cummies.
If you like the sight of a man in uniform pounding the pavement, why not pitch a tent for your local mail carrier? His outfit has epaulets so it’s sort of militaristic but without all the imperialism that leaves you feeling guilty after making a huge cum. So instead of licking a cop’s boots, just lick your mail carrier’s sensible non-slip pleather shoes instead. He’s got a huuuuge sack and neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of snow will stop him from making his appointed booty calls.
Attracted to power? Look no further than your local union organizer. Cops go after the poor but a union organizer will take a rich CEO and make him his bitch! He’ll redistribute wealth... right before he redistributes his dick into your mouth. Who needs a friend with benefits when he’ll get you benefits of your own? I’m talking healthcare, full dental, even a 401K! If your sexual partner isn’t helping you partake in the fruits of your own labor, then he’s not a dom: he’s just a capitalist pig!
Gas Meter Reader
He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’re paying too much for heat cuz you won’t contest your rate. That’s right: he’s a gas meter reader. He’ll check your therms and make you squirm. He’s about to read you… your bill! Findom? How passé. This guy’s into utility-dom and if you don’t pay his fee, you’re gonna have to cook your pizza rolls in the microwave. Hope you like them (and your butthole) extra soggy!
UN Secretary General
Power. Influence. International intrigue. These are the three markers of a person worth fetishizing. No one embodies these traits more than UN Secretary General Antonío Guterres. Why settle for someone who wears an outfit designed by some municipal government employee when you can serve a man who wears what he wants, when he wants, where he wants, all while fighting for water rights and against child cruelty? And if current UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres doesn’t do it for you, there’s plenty of former Secretary Generals with which to have an Annan-ymous encounter.
The Guy Who Draws The Big Dog Shirts
If a pup can’t run with the big dogs, he better stay on the porch. But if you can, maybe it’s time to chase after the guy who draws the Big Dog shirts. Oh sure, these T-shirts may promote an outdated form of toxic masculinity but--let’s be real--you’re into that! He’s rough, he’s tumble, he has a surprising amount of Dale Earnhardt memorabilia. Call him up but remember to throw out your condoms first, because this Big Dog only wants to Raw Dog.
So there you have it! There are plenty of things to jerk off about besides cop. And if you can’t beat the habit of beating your meat to the police, well don’t fucking worry: there will be plenty of them at Pride.
WUSSY wants to hear from you! Tweet your nominations at the United States Department of Labor @USDOL with the special hashtag #jobsthatmakeusSQUART
Julian Modugno is a writer and humorist based out of Chicago, IL. He hates everything you love and won't be happy until it's destroyed and you're left with nothing. You can follow him on instagram @historysgreatestmonster.