Everyone knows that Pride is the time when we all come together to purchase Taylor Swift’s new single on iTunes to show support for all the allies who made gay rights possible.
After all, Pride is our one big chance to show straight people that we’re just like them: boring! But how can we make them feel comfortable when there’s a bunch of leather enthusiasts running around with their asses out? Reigning in our identity is crucial to keeping the support of fairweather heterosexuals who barely tolerate us... and isn’t that the point of Pride? So chuck those gimp masks and puppy tails and try out one of these family friendly kinks that won’t offend anybody!
Vore™️ presented by Totino’s Pizza Rolls
Vore, a kink that involves being eaten by a dominant partner, has no place at a festival with such upstanding vendors as the mortgage company that bankrupted your parents or the pharmaceutical company that keeps raising the price of your insulin. But what if—instead of eating a horny submissive—you ate a delicious oven-fresh Totino’s Pizza Roll? That’s where Vore™️ presented by Totino’s Pizza Rolls comes in! Why get hard over the taste of human bones crunching between your molars when you could not get horny over the mouthwatering taste of Totino’s Pizza Rolls? Perfect for kinky moms on the go and the whole family!
Oh sure, there are some people who enjoy pegging, the activity where a woman puts on a strap on and inserts it into their partner’s anus. But if there’s one thing everyone enjoys, it’s Peggling: playing the masterpiece PopCap game Peggle (2007) and its sequel Peggle 2 (2013). The melodic bouncing of the metal ball as it eliminates glowing pegs from the board is sure to make even the most casual of gaymers squart their shorts. Lots of people go to Pride to find a unicorn for a threesome, but the only unicorn you need is Bjorn the Peggle Master as he guides you to victory. Besides, with Apple deciding what is and isn’t appropriate for you to look at on your phone, this is the kinkiest thing you’re going to find on the App Store.
BTSM - Blues Traveler Sadomasochism
It doesn’t matter how you play, as long as you play with intention! So leave the whips and chains at home and torment your sub with the collected discography of 90s harmonica rock group Blues Traveler. Your sub won’t be able to get the Run-Around on you once this family friend kink gets its Hooks in him. The only poppers your boy needs is lead singer John Popper and his vibrato tenor! After a few hours of that, he’ll be ready to suck it in, suck it in, suck it in like he’s Rin Tin TIn AND Anne Boleyn. Who needs a beating? With the Blues Traveler discography, you’ll have all the hits you could ever want.
Pride is no place to grovel at the feet of a femdom when you could be groveling at the feet of a handful of billionaires who think you’re lower than the lowest toilet sub. Capitalism is a machine and what could be hotter than getting your body and life ground up by its many, many gears? Ruin Pride for everyone by getting in a fight with someone who says corporations don’t belong there. Let them know that voting with your dollar matters and that if they worked as hard as you do, then maybe Jeff Bezos will pay them what they’re worth! Congratulations: you oppressed a poor person and yourself at the same time! Kinky!
Nobody wants to see an adult hiding their erection in a big diaper. But you know what we do want to see? A full grown adult patting themselves on the back for performing the basic functions of society like paying a bill or changing a tire. Oh, you’re adulting? That’s so sexy… and funny! There’s no reason to let a play partner infantilize you when you’re so good at doing it yourself! You did the bare minimum to stay alive? Make sure you take a selfie and tag it #adulting! Yep, still funny! This is the kind of joke—and kink—you can ride well into your late thirties. And, unlike you, it won’t get old!
Just Not Going
Turns out lots of people get off from being denied so why not deny yourself the exquisite pleasure of going to Pride by... just not going to Pride? While everyone else is having an amazing time spending $13 on an Absolut vodka Equali-tini, you’re at home suffering. Heck, maybe people will think you don’t support the Bank of America Pride Parade and wouldn’t that just be so humiliating? Plus, if you’re just at home, you can indulge in any crazy kink you want, such as expressing yourself authentically, making a political statement about sexual freedom, or just shitting in your fursuit. It’s like gay people love to say: I don’t care what someone does behind closed doors, as long as it’s out of view of our extremely fragile allies whose support is based entirely on conformity!
So there you have it! New and unfulfilling ways to show that you, as a queer person, are basically just the same as everyone else and not special in any way! Some people are saying cleaning up Pride only makes it more palatable to people on the right and to that I say “so?!” With hate crimes on the rise, isn’t it important to make our sexuality more palatable to the far right? If there’s one thing I know about history, it’s that the best way to appease Nazis is to cede ground to them!
We’d like to know more! Please tweet whichever fundamental aspects of yourself you’d like to shove back in a closet to @vicepresidentpence.
Julian Modugno is a writer and humorist based out of Chicago, IL. He hates everything you love and won't be happy until it's destroyed and you're left with nothing. You can follow him on instagram @historysgreatestmonster.