#Goals! Be Your Own Daddy this Father's Day

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Jun 11

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It’s June. You’re queer. You know what that means! Pride month?! Heck no, we’ve moved on to Pride Year. That means June signifies just one terrible thing to us: FATHER’S DAY! If you’re anything like me, Father’s Day is a holiday that dredges up a lot of complicated feelings. But that’s no reason to fall into despair like you did at Christmas… and Thanksgiving… and Halloween, New Year’s Eve, Election Day, and Purim!

Oh sure, all of your friends have successfully compensated for a strained relationship with their birth father by getting into a Dom/sub thing with a 50-year-old silver fox while you’re sitting at home looking at pictures of Soldier: 76 and thinking what if? But just because there’s not a daddy deep in your guts doesn’t mean there isn’t a daddy deep in your heart. That’s right, the daddy of your dreams… has been you all along!

Daddy isn’t a complicated psychosexual relationship that subverts traditional intergenerational male relationships; daddy is a state of mind. So reset that state of mind! Maybe you want to take yourself to a baseball game and treat yourself to a nice long chili dog. Or maybe you wanna get more literal, remove a few ribs, and just suck your own dick? That’s fine! Daddies do what daddies want, even if that means erotic ostectomy!

I know what you’re thinking: the world is dying, I’m earning minimum wage, and I share an apartment with four roommates. How can I tap into that daddy energy when—at best—I have stepchild energy? Bother it until you father it! Ask yourself WWDD--what would Daddy do?--and then go ahead and do it:

Struggle to connect to a Bluetooth speaker and then just put on a playlist of early 90s dance hits that no one wants to hear. Post something on Facebook that’s either very supportive of or vaguely racist towards a minority group, but no one can tell because your syntax is so uneven! Wear a Nasty Pig branded T-shirt to a nice restaurant and then snap at the waiter to get their attention. See? Before you know it, you won’t need a daddy; you’ll be the daddy. And hey, you look great in that Nasty Pig shirt! Have you been working out? I can tell and good for you! You’re valid, even if you hadn’t been exercising but also maybe add in some squats? You don’t want to neglect your legs!

Lots of great people throughout history accomplished so much despite never having had a daddy. Picasso… is currently the only one I can think but I’m sure there are more. Can you imagine how bland the art world would be if Picasso hadn’t invented cubism because daddy wasn’t there to tell him he was a good boy for putting two eyes on the same side of a face? Picasso didn’t need a daddy to gently put a finger in his mouth whenever he started criticizing himself! Picasso channeled his inner daddy, put his own finger in his mouth and worked through his panic attacks on his own, daddy be damned! So the next time you’re at the Reina Sofía staring at Guernica, just remember that a true do-it-yourself daddy did that!

Move over, the concept of self care; it’s daddy time! Daddy’s always make time to take care of themselves and their boys. In this case, you’re both! Treat yourself like you’re a daddy getting worshipped by his boy. Or pamper yourself like a daddy would pamper the boy you consider yourself to be despite the fact that you’re a 33-year-old with chronic kidney stones and $10,000 in credit card debt! You want that nice bourbon-scented beard oil? Buy it for yourself! You’re a daddy and you deserve it! Want to treat your own hole the way a rough-n-tumble daddy would? Go for it! You don’t need a cheesy uncut daddy dick as long as you’ve got a suction cup dildo, a shower wall, and some nutritional yeast for flavor!

So this Father’s Day, don’t fall into a circlejerk of self-loathing just because you haven’t fallen into a circlejerk of older men circlejerking onto your face. The real cum you needed was inside you all along, and if you want to jerk off onto a face, try starting with the man in the mirror. As a queer person, you’re allowed to pick and choose whatever identity you want… and that includes daddy! As long as you’re not thinking of becoming, like, an actual father and adopting a whole brood of children or something.

Real family? No thanks, even we have to draw the line somewhere!

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