Queer Tips for Getting Through Quarantine

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Apr 1

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Hi, Wussy!

Enjoying your queerantine?

Coronavirus has swept the nation and altered the lives of thousands of global citizens. Having to go from open and free socialization to self-isolation has proven to be one of the biggest culture shocks of the century. In a matter of weeks, we have replaced dine-in-always with take-out-only; holding hands with FaceTime hangouts; and going out for drinks with staying in for… the foreseeable future.

I guess that medium-cute Tinder date you’ve been putting off for the last few weeks will have to wait a little while longer. Social distancing and chill, anyone?

To be sure, this is a fragile time in history; especially for queers who struggle with mental health stability. For some, it’s easy to embrace this newly-mandated shut down. For others, the thought of staying in and avoiding human contact is as anxiety-inducing as trying to cut your own bangs on Day 3 of quarantine. Don’t do it, sis!

Although this period of isolation can be stressful-- I know, I’m running out of TikTok dances to learn, too-- it’s pertinent to stay indoors to avoid the spread of this disease. The World Health Organization recommends to do these five things in order to maintain your health and the health of those around you:

Wash your hands often
Cough and sneeze into your elbow
Don't touch your face
Keep a safe distance of no less than six feet
Stay home

But of course, we as a human race need more to do than wash our hands every 10 minutes. So, to keep you from going stir-crazy, I’ve come up with a few tips for weathering the coronavirus storm.

Create a Routine

During quarantine, it’s easy to feel like the days just run into each other. Creating a routine might be the perfect remedy to combat the monotony of that dreaded bed-to-couch back-and-forth.

If you have the energy, treat this down time like a regular week. Change out of your pajamas, make breakfast, take your meds, and throw on a look! Even if you’re getting dolled up to binge all 679 episodes of The Simpsons, at least you are able to revive a sense of normalcy into your everyday life.

Take a Hands-On Approach

Is it just me or is there something about the world ending that makes you insatiably horny? If you have an itch to scratch, but don’t have a reliable, quarantine-approved sexual partner to do the job, stick to masturbation. Self-sex is the best sex to have during this time! The New York City Health Department advises against having sex with those outside of your immediate household. Ergo, the Grindr hookups will have to wait, Mary. You are your safest sex partner.

Now might be the perfect time to invest in that new vibrator you’ve been eyeing. No partner? No problem. There’s a lot of ways to have a fulfilling sexual experience, even if you are the only person in the room. Set the mood with a few candles for some sexy room lighting. Put on your favorite baby-making jams, or get off to the sounds of your own moans. Nobody’s listening anyway! This is the perfect time to let loose, discover new sexual fantasies, and become more in tune with your body-- no holds barred.

Unboundbabes has an amazing artillery of lubes and liquids, toys, and accessories for the perfect night--or, two weeks-- in. If self-isolation has taught me anything, it’s that there is power in mental, emotional, and sexual oneness. Take your power, and your orgasm, into your own hands with a trusty collection of toys that’ll get you there, especially when no one else is around. Use my code “iv10” for 10% off your next order! ;)

Start a New Hobby

Is there a skill you’ve always wanted to master, but have never had the time to get started on? Has the gym been calling your name since that feigned self-promise you made on New Year’s Eve? Well, now’s the time to try everything your heart desires! As long as you can do it from the comfort of your own home. Check out Farrah Iirises’s article on some beginner-friendly body feminization workouts-- all you need is a floor mat and time on your hands.

Learn how to cook, trash people! Don't just go to the Taco Bell drive-thru twice a day for those dollar bean burritos. Get creative! There are tons of recipes for simple, delicious meals that can be made in under 10 minutes. Rice, beans, eggs, and frozen vegetables are just a few examples of some staple grocery items that can be used in just about any dish. We love versatility!

Eat the Rich

If this pandemic has shown us anything, it’s that the government’s main goal is to look out for big businesses and the top one percent. As indicated by the $2 trillion stimulus bill that lets Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin give $500 billion to corporations without any particularly meaningful oversight on how it gets spent, a substantial safety net only exists for those who can afford it.

It’s been proposed that every American will receive a $1,200 one-time stimulus check, which is great. But compare that to Canada’s $2,000 stimulus checks for the next four months, and you will see that the American government has sold its people short yet again.

My solution? Build a Guillotine!

There’s some super cute and easy-to-follow tutorials out there for constructing a fabulous decapitation machine. Decorate yours with glue-on stars, macrame flowers, or the blood of the most rich and powerful moguls of today’s society who can’t seem to wrap their heads around the idea of redistributing just a teensy bit of their wealth so that we, as a nation, can better our situation, decrease the cavernous gap between the rich and the poor, and overcome this virus.

Tee-hee! :)

Stay Connected

As a community, we tend to thrive on being able to congregate with our friends, partners, lovers, and chosen family. In any other time period, it would be harder than ever to stay afloat during a time when extensive social interaction is discouraged. Luckily, we live in the age of technology! Phone calls, Facetiming, Google hangouts, live streaming are just a few ways that we can stay connected and feel closer to our fellow queers.

Play virtual games like Jackbox Party Pack with friends and family or a Netflix Party drinking game while you rewatch Tiger King for the third time.

These and many other things can be done to quell your antsy disposition. It helps to look at this societal pause as a window of opportunity-- even if that opportunity is catching up on some well-deserved Z’s.

We’ll do our best to keep you busy, so keep checking back for more quarantine-related content.

Stay safe and stay indoors, queers!

—

Ivana Fischer is the Culture Editor of WUSSY and a film and media enthusiast who specializes in cultural studies. You can find her across all socials @iv.fischer

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